American girls love Bad
Boys. Or at least, we think we do. And now that Fifty Shades Of Grey has hit theaters, maybe it’s time to analyze
the character of Christian Grey and finally put this fantasy to rest.
My first big celebrity
crush was Brad Renfro. The Tennessee native became famous for his award-winning
role in The Client at the ripe old age
of 11. But I first laid eyes on him in the Disney movie Tom and Huck.
Being a huge Mark Twain
fan, my dad had already read Tom Sawyer and
Huckleberry Finn to me at home when I
was in first grade. But I became interested in the movie after seeing this
poster. I already knew who Jonathan Taylor Thomas was; he was on the cover of Tiger Beat every single month, and every
preteen girl in America had professed her undying love for him. Well, except
for me. I instead alerted my friends’ attention to the hottie on the left. Who
was he and how had we overlooked him?
It was Brad Renfro in the
role of Huckleberry Finn.
Huckleberry Finn was
already a swoon-worthy Bad Boy in the novel. He flees his abusive home with a
runaway slave named Jim, braving the frontier and the Mississippi River to find
freedom in Illinois. His dangerous mission leaves little time for romance. But
throughout the book, Huck still manages to drop into town secretly, visit his
buddies, cause a huge ruckus that gets them all in trouble, and then steal someone’s
girlfriend on his way out. Tom Sawyer had to concoct elaborate stunts to
impress Becky Thatcher; Huckleberry Finn graciously charmed the ladies with his
funny jokes and swashbuckling personality before disappearing again. That was
how I’ve always remembered the novel, anyway, and I believe Mark Twain intended
it that way. (Whatever “swag” is, Huck clearly had it.)
Brad Renfro made a great Huckleberry Finn. He stole the
show. I don’t know why he was so hot--maybe
it was the freckles, shaggy hair, or the authentic Southern accent. But it was
the first time I gazed at a movie screen and thought, “I want to marry that
guy.”
A
few years later, girls across America swooned over Jack Dawson in Titanic. (Brief aside: I’m a huge fan of
all things Titanic. But at age 12, I took note of Jack Dawson showing Rose his
nude drawings of hookers, thought it over, and deemed this move uncool. Girls
really aren’t that comfortable with having porn shoved in their faces.) Sure,
he likes to spit and gets in the occasional fistfight, but he also inspired
Rose to set aside her horribly sexist debutante lifestyle in order to party
with him. She reluctantly tags along, only to discover that—gasp!—she likes having fun and being free. Especially
with him.
Long
story short, I think America will always remember the infamous
backseat-of-the-car scene, as well as the line “I’ll never let go, Jack.”
By junior high, the new man of my dreams was
Heath Ledger in Ten Things I Hate About
You. I briefly considered marrying this one too, but the competition was
pretty fierce. Just ask my best friend from seventh grade.
Why
do women love these characters? I can assure you that it’s not all about looks. I wouldn’t even call my Dream Man Heath Ledger “conventionally attractive.” (When he first came on the screen, I briefly thought, "ew, him?" That changed as soon as he started talking.) Brad Renfro was adorable, but he was always more Average Joe than male model
material. He’d blend in well on a hunting trip with the guys.
It’s mainly
because this type of Bad Boy is morally upright. He doesn’t give two hoots what
society thinks, and he’ll disregard the rules in order to do what he wants—and in
the process, he still “does the right thing.” Huckleberry Finn took the
enormous risk of helping a runaway slave; Heath Ledger’s character skipped school
to take care of a sick family member; Jack Dawson bravely faced down his own inevitable
death on the Titanic in order to
comfort Rose, who refuses to save herself. They’re often victims of oppression
or abuse, which makes their actions even more heroic--they could have opted for
the easy way out, and they probably deserved it. But they’re too manly for
that. Have you ever heard the phrase, “When I’m good I’m good, but when I’m bad
I’m even better?” It was made for these guys.
And
maybe that’s why America seemed collectively traumatized when Renfro and Ledger
both died from drug overdoses in 2008. It seemed like the fantasy of the Bad
Boy with a Good Heart died with them—we were all forced to acknowledge that
these young men were self-destructive and had been quietly suffering the whole
time. At least for me, it was time to stop romanticizing characters who, in
real life, probably needed rehab services, not a romantic pedestal. Some of
these Bad Boys were good guys in desperate need of help. Others were just plain
bad: Russell Crowe briefly caught my eye before that phone-throwing incident.
Being a fan of Irish boys, I also eyed up Colin Farrell, but the sleazy sex
tape and nasty demeanor ruined it for me. I hoped we would all put this fantasy
to bed, and not keep trotting out “Bad Boys” with Bad Attitudes as a
substitution.
But
who am I kidding? Of course we did that!
Christian
Grey is supposedly our new Fantasy man, ladies. He’s our collective heartthrob,
and he’s definitely no Jack Dawson or Huck Finn. Jack Dawson wore suspenders
and had famously unkempt hair. Brad Renfro’s Huck Finn was dressed like a
fisherman with exactly one plaid shirt. (Heath Ledger’s character tried even
less: I’m pretty sure he banned conversations about his clothes and hair,
probably because it made him feel gay.) Christian Grey,
on the other hand, is a pretty boy in a $3,000 suit. He’s perfectly groomed,
right down to the eyebrow arch. He could model for Abercrombie, and this
supposedly makes him irresistible. (Personally, I beg to differ. Let’s examine
this picture. Is he wearing foundation? Yeah, that looks like foundation and
possibly some lip gloss.)
He’s
also nasty, sullen, and arrogant. The old Bad Boys made girls laugh; Christian
Grey apparently likes to inflict physical pain until they cry. The female
character describes him as “really intimidating,” and she doesn’t sound too
happy when she says it. (I know some guys think it’s good to be “intimidating.”
I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but when I think “intimidating,” I
don’t think warm, romantic, happy thoughts.) Christian Grey pursues women far
below him in career and social status, apparently because he finds them easier
to push around. The female character’s reward is that she gets to work really
hard to win him over. If she really puts in the effort, he might even crack a
smile!
(Uh
oh, this storyline is already starting to suck! Are we sure we need a movie?)
Then
the trailer premiered, confirming my suspicions that this was a dreary,
depressing abuse story billed as a “romance.” I think the video below was
supposed to get us all worked up. As you can probably guess, my engines failed to rev as I watched this. Ugh, just listen to that sad, sad music! And that's before the douchey guy in a suit even enters the scene.
(I couldn't post the trailer to this blog, so you'll have to follow the link. I mean, if you insist.)
Sorry,
Fifty Shades of Grey fans. I've judged this movie without even seeing it, and my verdict is: Not Hot. I think
I’ll skip the movie theater and go rent Tom and Huck.
.JPG)
